Let’s try Vigamed

One fellow with similar problems than me, drop a comment in this blog some days ago, and I’ve had the opportunity of have a little message exchange with him through a website we have in common.  I’ve tried Cialis, a  PDE-5 inhibitor, but in my case is useless because my anxiety blocks the desire and the excitement. His advices have been very good, and he discovered me this medicaments named Vigamed, so I’m gonna give it a try and see what happens. Maybe all my problems are in my head, but if I never feel like if “sex” is something that I’m able to do… the anxiety is gonna be always present in my mind at that moment.

Vigamed (phentolamine mesylate) can help to alleviate sexual dysfunction symptoms such as impotence, and ejaculatory failures. Phentolamine as an alternative to Viagra, Cialis, Levitra and Uprima has met with success with many men suffering from ED. Phentolamine works by directly or indirectly addressing the blood flow to the genitalia via several different biologic pathways. Two physiological systems, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic, play a role in sexual response. Phentolamine controls the erection process through the body’s sympathetic system allowing blood to flow into the penis to form an erection. 

Vigamed vs Viagra: The ability to control erectile performance via the body’s sympathetic system can speed up the erection process. Alpha adrenergic blockers, such as Vasomax (phentolamine mesylate), can produce an effect in as little as 15 to 20 minutes.  Viagra works to inhibit the enzyme phosphodiesterase, this process generally takes one hour or more.

I’ve seen some websites where the people says that it works.

I’ve bought it in an online pharmacy, it should be here in 7 days or something like that. Once I have it in my hands, I’ll trace a plan for test it … and of course I’ll explain here the result 🙂

Understanding the sexual performance anxiety

I’ve found this article that explains very good what the sexual performance anxiety is, actually the first paragraph defines perfectly what happened to me some months ago:

You’ve been dating her for a while now and tonight may be that special night when you finally get to do your sexual dance between the sheets. You want to make it special, and you want her to feel the ultimate in satisfaction.  Suddenly, all these paranoid thoughts come to mind. What if she thinks I’m too small? What if I don’t last long enough? What if she doesn’t orgasm? Then before you know it, things go completely awry.  It’s the first time you’re going to be with her and yet your mini-me, who so affectionately participates fully when your hand comes to visit, simply won’t participate when the little Miss is present. You can’t believe this is happening. You feel flustered, confused and inadequate.

I may add that… I lost the girl and she made out with the biggest jerk ever (actually is not so bad, it’s just that piss me off  they are together) … lol Although sexual performance anxiety in my case was not a puntual thing, it happened to me in “my first time” and since then… it has been happening again and again… sometimes a little … but the most of the times completely…

Unfortunately the solutions  that the article suggest are not ver convincing to me… I’d prefer a oneshoot pill … or a spell …. eat a magic root… etc… 😀 Another article suggest 5 ways to eliminate sexual performance anxiety … but it doesn’t have spells neither….   Find the right woman?  If any right woman is reading this, send me your CV! lol

Feelings that prevents me of feeling, how crying is realted with sex

It sounds strange, doesn’t it? As I said in my last post, I’m unable of crying … actually, I cannot remember when was the last time that I felt tears to fall from my eyes… what is the meaning of this? and how is it related with my problem with sex? I’ve been talking about this with my psychologist today, so here we go…

I’ve had reasons for cry in the last years, I swear it, problem with my job, my career, my way of life, the disapproval of my closest friends, the loneliness, the failed sexual intercourse… yeah, sometimes I wanted to die … or vanish myself from the collective memory as I never existed, but when I’m about to cry… something inside of me stops me, I can feel how my lips shake and that feeling like if your neck shrinks… but then … when it’s supposed to happen… it doesn’t happen, even when I want it happens from the deep of my heart, something in my mind prevents me of express that feeling in a physical way. Like sex, even when I really want to have sex something in my mind prevents me to have it, because my mind blocks excitement and replace it with fears and pressure.

So, why I cannot cry? apparently, I’ve been all my life struggling to be acknowledged by the people who look down to me, so that means… almost all the people and even my father. Why those people looks down to me? Well, it’s a loooong history, let’s say by the moment, that till I was 21yo… I was not of the responsible student type, I was more of the kind that skip classes, smoke joints, take drugs on weekends and drive reckless; but one day, nobody even me knows what happened, I changed… and I wanted to become “somebody” so I started to struggle so hard, studying after work, moving from different cities to get a position that allow me improve in my career … etc.. etc.. but as nobody trusted on me… I had to become strong on my own, and “strong” means “non weak”, and crying for me was a kind of weakness. But… why I cannot even cry when I’m alone? Simply, because I’ve been competing with my hardest competitor, the person that I want to become. Competing with yourself is hard, because you’re competing with te one that you want to be in a short/medium term… so he is close enough for not give up because you think that you can catch him… and far enough for never catch him. Well, I can say that I’ve become somebody (not all was wrong!), I’m manager in a foreign company, so it seems like I won the race… or at least I got qualified 😀 but now I’m paying the extremely  high psychological effort, anxiety has become more and more strong on me, because it was my fuel for not give up. Curious, isn’t it? Now the same thing that has helped me to do a crazy race and win… is preventing me of have a happy life. Have I the right of get ride of anxiety now? Would I be happier if I was an bricklayer or a carpenter instead a manager in a foreign country? … how knows…

Maybe, a first step would be force my self to cry, but I’m afraid of unleash an anxiety attack, or even a panic attack, because I should focus in negative thoughts and sadness to force myself to cry, and belive me… I have LOTS of them xD. But… I guess that I have diazepam within reach… nothing could go wrong, so maybe later I’ll do a little experiment.

I’m not in the mood for go to the gym lately, tomorrow will be another day, I’ll check the streaming movies 😛 Besides I have to call a meditation teacher because may be I’ll start this weekend with a two days course 😛

I want to cry, but I cannot

I want to cry, but I cannot… what is the meaning of this? why do I have so many problems to express my feelings? Even now that I’m in this sorrow…  seeing how the beloved woman goes with other guy because I’m … unable to make her happy because my sexual incapacity. This is tough, right now I feel like I cannot fight back all this sadness anymore… but unfortunately I have no other choice, I don’t know from where I’m gonna get the strength … I don’t know how many weekends I’m gonna stand seeing them… even when they are gonna conceal it and never show it in front of me, maybe I need to meet some new people to go out… but it seems to me like another way of escape… do I have to face my problems? my fears? why cannot I run away forever? The world is huge!! I’ll die before no to have to place to escape! shit! Anyway, meet new people is not as easy as in the movies, specially when you are a male…

The worst part of this, it’s that I don’t know what the hell I have in my mind. Do I love her? Do I feel attached to her because I’ve been feeling so lonely these last years and she is the only one in a long time?  I’m feeling bad because she is with another guy? or because I feel like I’ve lost against the other jerk that is meeting her now? (I’m very competitive in all aspects of my life, another issue for write a lot here). Geez… why is all so complex? Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong to this world!

I don’t wanna see her, but her birthday is coming, so I have to go at least to have a beer with all the people and pretend… again… that all is doing just fine. I don’t wanna anybody feeling sorrow of me.

I think this is gonna be a good question for my appointment with the pysichologist tomorrow… but if I spend the sessions talking about my today problems… when am I going to fix my former ones? I have no money for pay so much help … (I have to pay for help, what a wonderful world, isn’t it?)

Well, I guess I cannot be helped tonight, shower, diazepam and go to sleep, maybe tomorrow it will be better…

Myself and my sexual performance anxiety

Let me introduce myself…   I’m an anonymous person, living in a foreign country, whom in his late twenties has decided finish with the problem that has prevented him of have a normal life since he was a teenager, the anxiety. Nobody knows really who I am, because all the time I’ve been pretending being whom I am not, and I’ve done it very well. Now, after to have to let my dreamed girl go because I’m a troubled person, I’ve decided put finish on this shit once and for all. At the moment of start this blog, I’ve been going to a psychologist one time per week in the last two months. I’m still far of goal, but now I’m starting to understand the problems. As I’m unable of speak these problems with friends or family, I’m gonna do it anonymously in this blog.

I don’t know how to start…  I’m suffering anxiety since I was a teenager. Actually I was treated for 6 months some years ago for panic attacks and anxiety crisis because my job stress, but that was just one of the ways how my anxiety makes itself present. Sexual performance anxiety is just another way to make itself present…

The hardest thing, is that my anxiety prevents me of have a normal relationship with a girl, and prevents me of to have a sexual intercourse properly. With the years I’s developed a gift, the way of to empty my mind and pretend that I’m as normal as the rest of the people in the group, a kind of fake self-confidence; but that fails when I’m in an intimate moment.  I start a sexual intercourse very good but suddenly my anxiety make itself present in form of fear to do it wrong, fear to be not good, fear to be not enough… then I loose my erection…. and every time that it happens… is an additional fear more to add to the list, it’s a kind of “you’re gonna fail, remember the other times!!” So I’ve been alone the most of the time… fleeing away to live in different cities, living a kind of different lifes in different places in the way that I can explain why I have no known girlfriend or why I don’t want make out with that hot girl saying that I have another one in the other place … and supporting this fake lifes with lies.

I’ve forced myself to don’t get too much along with anybody, because I never explain my problems to anybody, I’ve been fleeing of to fall in love … but suddenly… that happened, I met my dreamed girl… and stupid of me, my fake self-confidence fooled me… thinking that I could do it (I guess that it is the power of love, think that you’re able of anything), the first time that we made out, was several hours before I should take a plane for leave for a month, so I could escape of sex saying that “it was so early”, so the next month was a kind of … nice friendship with things like “miss you a lot” , “I cannot wait to see you again” and so on often, but then when I came back to the city… we shared a bed… and my anxiety, one more time, beat me, it was so hard… she realised that I have a problem, and some week later she was willing to help me… but only as friends. This last two months has been tough for me, because I’ve been feeling like she could give me an oportunity and help me with this, but specially now… when she is meeting another guy… more handsome, funnier, … besides they try to keep it in secret of me, what’s nice… but that make me fell like a shit, like a failer, like a low level person.

I’m in pain now, trying to push away this girl of me because her affection confuse me, trying to support the moments when I feel like two persons cut a conversation about them because I’m present. She call me often, asking me what’s going on with me… she knows that I have a problem with anxiety, but she doesn’t know that that anxiety blocks me on sex always and not only that time with her. I tried to explain my problems to her, only about my anxiety but not about how that anxiety blocks me on sex all the time, because I’ve never explained my feelings to anybody… but since then I didn’t look attractive to her anymore… I could fell her “pity” look… she wants me as close friend, she is worried about me… but I get confused with that kindness. Besides, I cannot tell her “I’m pushing you away because I have a crush on you and you are hurting me” because I cannot stand the “pity looks”, people looking to you and thinking “poor guy” , and when the people greet you with a “hi, how are you feeling”…. so I’ve decided that I prefer if shee looks to me with hatred, rather than pity…

I have no physical problems, I’ve checked it out with my doctor and some tests and blood tests… all the problem is in my mind. Actually I can play with myself and it works just fine…

I’m visiting a psychologist the last two months, once time per week, but sometimes I fell that we are going to no where, and he is more lost than me xD He says that sex is an instinctive feeling and I’m blocking it. I’m gonna start a meditation course soon, it seems like the key in all this mess. Besides, although I go to the gym 3-4 times per week, probably I’ll start to do Aikido, because that philosophy about “dont hurt” and “discipline body and mind” suits really good for me and my troubles.

Big post already, I’ll try to explain more about myself in next weeks… tomorrow I have to visit my psychologist and I’ll tell here how it was…