Giving Up

… have you… anytime … heard a song and the lyrics were so faithful to your feelings that you thought … “when did I write this song?” LOL

Continue reading ‘Giving Up’


Overcome Sexual Performance Anxiety… with Hypnosis!! Should I give it a try?

hypnosisI’ve found this while I was Googling…  It sounds like an internet scam to me lol… but after a little search in Google again… humm… it’s to early to say that I’ll try it… but I’ve sent a lot of emails to different … “specialists” in the city, so let’s see what happens… I don’t wanna close any door… neither let any path without be explored.  The problem nowadays is that no matter to which asshole you ask for help… they’ll always say they can help you! … and never for free … and never even cheap… I feel like a desesperated poor guy willing to give money to whoever witch doctor that promises help him… aaaammmmmmm… so pathetic… 

Geez … this is so fucking funny hahaha… what will be next? join a sect? join the Mormons? time will tell… LOL. Do you imagine that hypnosis helps me?


I’m about to join a social anxiety group programme…

loneliness1And when I said “I’m about”… it means that I probably have to wait for 12 months LOL.  The roots of my problems come from the social anxiety, it’s never diagnosed to me, because I’ve developed the way of to be self-confident in some situations, like hang out with other people on parties or meetings… but hiding the inability of to have an intimate relation, that is exposed when I’m about a sexual intercourse. I’ve felt lonely all my life, it’s like watch the life through a glass… you can see… but you can not get involved in it, that’s social anxiety, feel yourself lonely even when you are surrounded by people, and run away without move your foots. It’s lie if you try to get into a crowd that moves too fast… you can keep yourself there for a while but as you’re not strong enough … you’re repelled again to your place behind the glass.

I’ve never felt what real friendship feels like, even knowing that I have friends whom would take care of me if I needed. It’s seems always like “artificial”, like something that is “pretending to be”, but it’s actually not real, even when it is. I always see my goals very high … and emptyness behind me… so I’m always afraid of not be strong enough to keep going and to fall in that dark emptyness.

I’ve been making some research about this, because as I said, it’s never diagnosed to me, in fact because nobody has done the right questions to me…; so I have to look for answers by my own… and after to the test about social anxiety for applying to the group… I have realized that yes, it’s my problem or very close to my problem. Actually I’ve also joint recently a web forum about all of this, and after read a lot about other people’s problems… I feel the pain of lot of them.

Well, I’d like to fix my problem before one year haha … so although I’m gonna leave the door open … I’ll still try to look another center, group or psychologist that may help me. Specially when I’m feeling so bad lately, I want even more finish with this.


She didn’t call me for her birthday party

Heart_BreakerShe didn’t call me for her birthday party… I don’t know how should I feel about it…  I guess, it’s normal, because I’ve been away of the social network that we share for almost three weeks, and she announced it in there… but in the other hand it was supposed that we were close friends, so… if I’m gonna do my birthday party and I feel that somebody is away for some reason, … to send an email is free and quick 😛 But, since she is with the other jerk… it seems like it’s too much effort to send an email or give a call…

Actually I didn’t want to go because this girl is hurting me, but also this means it’s all over… there’s no return after this… she won’t forgive me … I won’t forgive her, we’ll pretend that we’re still friends … or at least … no enemies and that’s all, this is tough. I’ll see her on Saturday, or maybe tomorrow with the rest of the people… so let’s see what happens.

I have to move on, because as I said this girl hurts me… but it’s tough … she is the most similar to a “significant one” that I’ve had in the last 5 years or even more… so it’s no easy, I feel so lonely now… I feel so depressed now, but I think is the right thing, I have to let her go… I’m not ready now for to face these kinds of problems, I have a fight that needs to be won.

Geez, I cannot even say “life is difficult” because my life is fucking good in comparison with other people lifes… so let’s be happy for the things that I have.


Let’s try Vigamed

450014_pillsOne fellow with similar problems than me, drop a comment in this blog some days ago, and I’ve had the opportunity of have a little message exchange with him through a website we have in common.  I’ve tried Cialis, a  PDE-5 inhibitor, but in my case is useless because my anxiety blocks the desire and the excitement. His advices have been very good, and he discovered me this medicaments named Vigamed, so I’m gonna give it a try and see what happens. Maybe all my problems are in my head, but if I never feel like if “sex” is something that I’m able to do… the anxiety is gonna be always present in my mind at that moment.

Vigamed (phentolamine mesylate) can help to alleviate sexual dysfunction symptoms such as impotence, and ejaculatory failures. Phentolamine as an alternative to Viagra, Cialis, Levitra and Uprima has met with success with many men suffering from ED. Phentolamine works by directly or indirectly addressing the blood flow to the genitalia via several different biologic pathways. Two physiological systems, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic, play a role in sexual response. Phentolamine controls the erection process through the body’s sympathetic system allowing blood to flow into the penis to form an erection. 

Vigamed vs Viagra: The ability to control erectile performance via the body’s sympathetic system can speed up the erection process. Alpha adrenergic blockers, such as Vasomax (phentolamine mesylate), can produce an effect in as little as 15 to 20 minutes.  Viagra works to inhibit the enzyme phosphodiesterase, this process generally takes one hour or more.

I’ve seen some websites where the people says that it works.

I’ve bought it in an online pharmacy, it should be here in 7 days or something like that. Once I have it in my hands, I’ll trace a plan for test it … and of course I’ll explain here the result 🙂


Understanding the sexual performance anxiety

tal2I’ve found this article that explains very good what the sexual performance anxiety is, actually the first paragraph defines perfectly what happened to me some months ago:

You’ve been dating her for a while now and tonight may be that special night when you finally get to do your sexual dance between the sheets. You want to make it special, and you want her to feel the ultimate in satisfaction.  Suddenly, all these paranoid thoughts come to mind. What if she thinks I’m too small? What if I don’t last long enough? What if she doesn’t orgasm? Then before you know it, things go completely awry.  It’s the first time you’re going to be with her and yet your mini-me, who so affectionately participates fully when your hand comes to visit, simply won’t participate when the little Miss is present. You can’t believe this is happening. You feel flustered, confused and inadequate.

I may add that… I lost the girl and she made out with the biggest jerk ever (actually is not so bad, it’s just that piss me off  they are together) … lol Although sexual performance anxiety in my case was not a puntual thing, it happened to me in “my first time” and since then… it has been happening again and again… sometimes a little … but the most of the times completely…

Unfortunately the solutions  that the article suggest are not ver convincing to me… I’d prefer a oneshoot pill … or a spell …. eat a magic root… etc… 😀 Another article suggest 5 ways to eliminate sexual performance anxiety … but it doesn’t have spells neither….   Find the right woman?  If any right woman is reading this, send me your CV! lol


Why do I keep going? why cannot I simply … resign of live?

Heart_BreakerSometimes I think that I’d like to vanish myself from the memories of all the people who know me, so then I’d be glad of commit suicide. So… I think that knowing that other people love me and is worried about me… keep me going, because I don’t have the courage to cause pain to the people who I love.

But really, considering that I’m a strong atheist … sometimes the life doesn’t make any sense to me, I don’t understand why do I have to stay here suffering and feeling different, lonely and unconnected to the rest of the world. Why may I have to? What’s the point?

But then… I think, ok … instead to commit suicide, I could just center in the things that I’d like to do… anyway… I’ll always have time to kill myself other day… But, what are the things that I like to do? I’d like to run away… visit other countries or buy a big TV and a Play Station and play all day long as when I was 14yo …. but I cannot, I have to go to work, I have to go out on weekends and meet normal people, having normal relationships, normal lifes and normal concerns… I don’t have Play Station, I don’t have even an own TV!! I don’t have even the time for play! The worst of that is that I have the money!   So, what’s the point of to keep going? I work because I have to, I suffer because I have no another option, why cannot I simply … resign? what’s the point of all of this?

What is funny in my life? what do I enjoy the most? Lately … nothing. I was enjoying till some months ago the fact of have a lot of friends again, go out every weekend, get drunk with them, visit places, feel like a girl that I like, likes me too… but in the moment that love and after rejection cross in my way… now I don’t want to go out with them, I don’t want to see them, but I don’t want neither that people say “look, Mr.Anonymous doesn’t go out because is in pain because she is with this guy, poor man … I feel pity…” … so I have to go out … and besides pretend that all is doing fine….  meeehhh… what a shit!!  why is all so complex for me? I know, I know, there are people out there that have more and more complicated problems than me… but should that comfort me? Why do I have to bear this life? And I’ll head shoot anybody that says “god have a plan for you” ( LOL )

Well, I think that the only reason that I have right now to keep going is… the “will” of be happy at some point in my life, and I hope to have it for long… Let’s fight a little bit longer and see…

Whom am I?

I'm an anonymous person, living in a foreing country, whom in his late twenties has decided finish with the problem that has prevented him of have a normal life since he was a teenager, the anxiety.

I've been living coping with it, more or less successfully, but there is a problem related with the anxiety, that I've realized that I have to fight seriously, or I'll be a very sad person in the future, the sexual performance anxiety.

Nobody knows really who I am, because all the time I've been pretending being whom I am not, and I've done it very well. Now, after to have to let my dreamed girl go because I'm a troubled person, I've decided put finish on this shit once and for all.

At the moment of start this blog, I've been going to a psycologist one time per week in the last two months. I'm still far of goal, but now I'm starting to understand the problems. As I'm unable of speak these problems with friends or family, I'm gonna do it anonymously in this blog.


May 2019
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