She didn’t call me for her birthday party

She didn’t call me for her birthday party… I don’t know how should I feel about it…  I guess, it’s normal, because I’ve been away of the social network that we share for almost three weeks, and she announced it in there… but in the other hand it was supposed that we were close friends, so… if I’m gonna do my birthday party and I feel that somebody is away for some reason, … to send an email is free and quick 😛 But, since she is with the other jerk… it seems like it’s too much effort to send an email or give a call…

Actually I didn’t want to go because this girl is hurting me, but also this means it’s all over… there’s no return after this… she won’t forgive me … I won’t forgive her, we’ll pretend that we’re still friends … or at least … no enemies and that’s all, this is tough. I’ll see her on Saturday, or maybe tomorrow with the rest of the people… so let’s see what happens.

I have to move on, because as I said this girl hurts me… but it’s tough … she is the most similar to a “significant one” that I’ve had in the last 5 years or even more… so it’s no easy, I feel so lonely now… I feel so depressed now, but I think is the right thing, I have to let her go… I’m not ready now for to face these kinds of problems, I have a fight that needs to be won.

Geez, I cannot even say “life is difficult” because my life is fucking good in comparison with other people lifes… so let’s be happy for the things that I have.

Why do I keep going? why cannot I simply … resign of live?

Sometimes I think that I’d like to vanish myself from the memories of all the people who know me, so then I’d be glad of commit suicide. So… I think that knowing that other people love me and is worried about me… keep me going, because I don’t have the courage to cause pain to the people who I love.

But really, considering that I’m a strong atheist … sometimes the life doesn’t make any sense to me, I don’t understand why do I have to stay here suffering and feeling different, lonely and unconnected to the rest of the world. Why may I have to? What’s the point?

But then… I think, ok … instead to commit suicide, I could just center in the things that I’d like to do… anyway… I’ll always have time to kill myself other day… But, what are the things that I like to do? I’d like to run away… visit other countries or buy a big TV and a Play Station and play all day long as when I was 14yo …. but I cannot, I have to go to work, I have to go out on weekends and meet normal people, having normal relationships, normal lifes and normal concerns… I don’t have Play Station, I don’t have even an own TV!! I don’t have even the time for play! The worst of that is that I have the money!   So, what’s the point of to keep going? I work because I have to, I suffer because I have no another option, why cannot I simply … resign? what’s the point of all of this?

What is funny in my life? what do I enjoy the most? Lately … nothing. I was enjoying till some months ago the fact of have a lot of friends again, go out every weekend, get drunk with them, visit places, feel like a girl that I like, likes me too… but in the moment that love and after rejection cross in my way… now I don’t want to go out with them, I don’t want to see them, but I don’t want neither that people say “look, Mr.Anonymous doesn’t go out because is in pain because she is with this guy, poor man … I feel pity…” … so I have to go out … and besides pretend that all is doing fine….  meeehhh… what a shit!!  why is all so complex for me? I know, I know, there are people out there that have more and more complicated problems than me… but should that comfort me? Why do I have to bear this life? And I’ll head shoot anybody that says “god have a plan for you” ( LOL )

Well, I think that the only reason that I have right now to keep going is… the “will” of be happy at some point in my life, and I hope to have it for long… Let’s fight a little bit longer and see…

Putting order in my life on Monday morning

Monday morning, alone in the office… I’m gonna try to put order in my life, otherwise this week is gonna be tough… or specially tough… I have to get ride of one of my nowadays problems, the girl with whom I felt in love and I failed dramatically in sex because my sexual issues, I need to do that because I need to be focused in other things. I need to focus in start to learn meditation, and maybe I will go tomorrow to see an aikido class, balance between mind and body will be great for me and…  I’ll break the joints of  those other people that have sex muahahaha (just kidding of course :D)

Why I should pass  her by:

1. She doesn’t find me attractive anymore since she knew that I suffer anxiety.
2. Because I told her about my anxiety (but not about sexual issues), I don’t feel comfortable with her anymore… I never explain my problems to anybody, I did it with her because I thought at that moment, that perhaps because my introversion… I was so lonely… but I guess I was mistaken.
3. One day I was thinking about to buy flowers with delivery and to send them to his office, then she send me a message through a social networking with a picture, and say “who is the handsome one? is so hot!” … of course I was not in the picture LOL, then another message arrives with the text “Sorry Mr. Anonymous, that message was not for you”… yeah!… can you imagine how stupid I felt?  Day after I met her and she apologize with that with a smile and a hug… so…  is she aware about my crush on her?
4. Same day that she apologized, we were taking a drink in a bar… and she was always looking to other guys with a little lascivious sight… hummmm… yeah, maybe she doesn’t love me, maybe she doesn’t find me even attractive anymore… but for fuck sake, a little bit of education would be nice!! I cannot imagine myself having a drink with a ugly female friend … and only because of that don’t stop of look to the hot women in the place!! That was like if she kicked my already small and fucked self confidence…
5. She confuse me, one Sunday I told her that I feel bad when other guys try to hit on her… she answer me that she felt in the same way… and she was feeling  attraction for me yesterday (Saturday)… next weekend she make out with the guy that I hate the most. What the hell? You are my friend, I told you this, you told me that, and less than a week after you made out with a guy that I hate and I have to see him almost every weekend? Come on… THANKS!
6. She make out with the guy that I hate the most, and she didn’t tell me it, although we were supposed to be “close friends” and when she knows that fiend’s lies has made me as I  am. Apparently some people in the group are aware of that … but not me; so sometimes there are conversations that are suddenly cut when they realized that I’m present, so I feel so good lately when I go out with these people 😦
7. We were supposed to do a travel together, as friends, actually we were checking possible destinations two weeks before,  but after make out with this guy she told me “sorry I don’t remember that” … 😦
8. She is lovely, but with the time I’m realizing that she is lovely with everybody, and she likes to be the center of all attention, when a hotter girl appears in scene … she get mad, she has a very bad mood too, and if she get mad with you… she attack directly to your weaker points in a reckless way.
9. She is focused in something that at this moment I’m unable to deliver, proper sex. Even if I overcome my problem… she is light years of me.
10. I need to be focused in my underlying problems, and stop making new ones, so I have to improve again the walls that keep me away of life till I can put order in my messed mind.
11. She call me in time to time, worried about me (or that is what she said), telling me that she miss me, asking why I don’t want to meet her for have a drink as before… but she tell me things like “I have plans on wednesday, thursday and friday, so it has to be tomorrow, otherwise I won’t see you till next week” … 😐  What I think, is that she has a need of be … chased.
12. If put myself in the imaginary situation of that she tell me that she has made out with another guy that I don’t know… I wouldn’t feel so bad as I’m feeling right now, so maybe … and only maybe… I don’t have a crush on her…

Only a little disclaimer… nobody told me that she has made out with the jerk, it’s only that one day she told me that he was attractive, and he never give up trying of hit on her, she said lately she was needing sex … and the mentioned weekend they got alone in her apartment after a long Saturday night party… place your bets!

Actually she has the right to live her own life without worry about me, of course I’m not cursing her for don’t wait without sex for me… it’s only that… geez, don’t confuse me, you know how fucked I am, you’re telling me the truth when you shouldn’t (telling me she was attracted and when other girls try to hit on me it bothers her); and  lying me when you shouldn’t (don’t telling me that you made out with that guy) … what are you playing with me? That is not be friends, I don’t care if you now put a lot of effort in to avoid that I know about what happens…

So know the questions are…. Am I doing right passing her by? Should I go to her birthday party and pretend all is doing fine?

I want to cry, but I cannot

I want to cry, but I cannot… what is the meaning of this? why do I have so many problems to express my feelings? Even now that I’m in this sorrow…  seeing how the beloved woman goes with other guy because I’m … unable to make her happy because my sexual incapacity. This is tough, right now I feel like I cannot fight back all this sadness anymore… but unfortunately I have no other choice, I don’t know from where I’m gonna get the strength … I don’t know how many weekends I’m gonna stand seeing them… even when they are gonna conceal it and never show it in front of me, maybe I need to meet some new people to go out… but it seems to me like another way of escape… do I have to face my problems? my fears? why cannot I run away forever? The world is huge!! I’ll die before no to have to place to escape! shit! Anyway, meet new people is not as easy as in the movies, specially when you are a male…

The worst part of this, it’s that I don’t know what the hell I have in my mind. Do I love her? Do I feel attached to her because I’ve been feeling so lonely these last years and she is the only one in a long time?  I’m feeling bad because she is with another guy? or because I feel like I’ve lost against the other jerk that is meeting her now? (I’m very competitive in all aspects of my life, another issue for write a lot here). Geez… why is all so complex? Sometimes I feel like I don’t belong to this world!

I don’t wanna see her, but her birthday is coming, so I have to go at least to have a beer with all the people and pretend… again… that all is doing just fine. I don’t wanna anybody feeling sorrow of me.

I think this is gonna be a good question for my appointment with the pysichologist tomorrow… but if I spend the sessions talking about my today problems… when am I going to fix my former ones? I have no money for pay so much help … (I have to pay for help, what a wonderful world, isn’t it?)

Well, I guess I cannot be helped tonight, shower, diazepam and go to sleep, maybe tomorrow it will be better…

Myself and my sexual performance anxiety

Let me introduce myself…   I’m an anonymous person, living in a foreign country, whom in his late twenties has decided finish with the problem that has prevented him of have a normal life since he was a teenager, the anxiety. Nobody knows really who I am, because all the time I’ve been pretending being whom I am not, and I’ve done it very well. Now, after to have to let my dreamed girl go because I’m a troubled person, I’ve decided put finish on this shit once and for all. At the moment of start this blog, I’ve been going to a psychologist one time per week in the last two months. I’m still far of goal, but now I’m starting to understand the problems. As I’m unable of speak these problems with friends or family, I’m gonna do it anonymously in this blog.

I don’t know how to start…  I’m suffering anxiety since I was a teenager. Actually I was treated for 6 months some years ago for panic attacks and anxiety crisis because my job stress, but that was just one of the ways how my anxiety makes itself present. Sexual performance anxiety is just another way to make itself present…

The hardest thing, is that my anxiety prevents me of have a normal relationship with a girl, and prevents me of to have a sexual intercourse properly. With the years I’s developed a gift, the way of to empty my mind and pretend that I’m as normal as the rest of the people in the group, a kind of fake self-confidence; but that fails when I’m in an intimate moment.  I start a sexual intercourse very good but suddenly my anxiety make itself present in form of fear to do it wrong, fear to be not good, fear to be not enough… then I loose my erection…. and every time that it happens… is an additional fear more to add to the list, it’s a kind of “you’re gonna fail, remember the other times!!” So I’ve been alone the most of the time… fleeing away to live in different cities, living a kind of different lifes in different places in the way that I can explain why I have no known girlfriend or why I don’t want make out with that hot girl saying that I have another one in the other place … and supporting this fake lifes with lies.

I’ve forced myself to don’t get too much along with anybody, because I never explain my problems to anybody, I’ve been fleeing of to fall in love … but suddenly… that happened, I met my dreamed girl… and stupid of me, my fake self-confidence fooled me… thinking that I could do it (I guess that it is the power of love, think that you’re able of anything), the first time that we made out, was several hours before I should take a plane for leave for a month, so I could escape of sex saying that “it was so early”, so the next month was a kind of … nice friendship with things like “miss you a lot” , “I cannot wait to see you again” and so on often, but then when I came back to the city… we shared a bed… and my anxiety, one more time, beat me, it was so hard… she realised that I have a problem, and some week later she was willing to help me… but only as friends. This last two months has been tough for me, because I’ve been feeling like she could give me an oportunity and help me with this, but specially now… when she is meeting another guy… more handsome, funnier, … besides they try to keep it in secret of me, what’s nice… but that make me fell like a shit, like a failer, like a low level person.

I’m in pain now, trying to push away this girl of me because her affection confuse me, trying to support the moments when I feel like two persons cut a conversation about them because I’m present. She call me often, asking me what’s going on with me… she knows that I have a problem with anxiety, but she doesn’t know that that anxiety blocks me on sex always and not only that time with her. I tried to explain my problems to her, only about my anxiety but not about how that anxiety blocks me on sex all the time, because I’ve never explained my feelings to anybody… but since then I didn’t look attractive to her anymore… I could fell her “pity” look… she wants me as close friend, she is worried about me… but I get confused with that kindness. Besides, I cannot tell her “I’m pushing you away because I have a crush on you and you are hurting me” because I cannot stand the “pity looks”, people looking to you and thinking “poor guy” , and when the people greet you with a “hi, how are you feeling”…. so I’ve decided that I prefer if shee looks to me with hatred, rather than pity…

I have no physical problems, I’ve checked it out with my doctor and some tests and blood tests… all the problem is in my mind. Actually I can play with myself and it works just fine…

I’m visiting a psychologist the last two months, once time per week, but sometimes I fell that we are going to no where, and he is more lost than me xD He says that sex is an instinctive feeling and I’m blocking it. I’m gonna start a meditation course soon, it seems like the key in all this mess. Besides, although I go to the gym 3-4 times per week, probably I’ll start to do Aikido, because that philosophy about “dont hurt” and “discipline body and mind” suits really good for me and my troubles.

Big post already, I’ll try to explain more about myself in next weeks… tomorrow I have to visit my psychologist and I’ll tell here how it was…