Let me introduce myself… I’m an anonymous person, living in a foreign country, whom in his late twenties has decided finish with the problem that has prevented him of have a normal life since he was a teenager, the anxiety. Nobody knows really who I am, because all the time I’ve been pretending being whom I am not, and I’ve done it very well. Now, after to have to let my dreamed girl go because I’m a troubled person, I’ve decided put finish on this shit once and for all. At the moment of start this blog, I’ve been going to a psychologist one time per week in the last two months. I’m still far of goal, but now I’m starting to understand the problems. As I’m unable of speak these problems with friends or family, I’m gonna do it anonymously in this blog.
I don’t know how to start… I’m suffering anxiety since I was a teenager. Actually I was treated for 6 months some years ago for panic attacks and anxiety crisis because my job stress, but that was just one of the ways how my anxiety makes itself present. Sexual performance anxiety is just another way to make itself present…
The hardest thing, is that my anxiety prevents me of have a normal relationship with a girl, and prevents me of to have a sexual intercourse properly. With the years I’s developed a gift, the way of to empty my mind and pretend that I’m as normal as the rest of the people in the group, a kind of fake self-confidence; but that fails when I’m in an intimate moment. I start a sexual intercourse very good but suddenly my anxiety make itself present in form of fear to do it wrong, fear to be not good, fear to be not enough… then I loose my erection…. and every time that it happens… is an additional fear more to add to the list, it’s a kind of “you’re gonna fail, remember the other times!!” So I’ve been alone the most of the time… fleeing away to live in different cities, living a kind of different lifes in different places in the way that I can explain why I have no known girlfriend or why I don’t want make out with that hot girl saying that I have another one in the other place … and supporting this fake lifes with lies.
I’ve forced myself to don’t get too much along with anybody, because I never explain my problems to anybody, I’ve been fleeing of to fall in love … but suddenly… that happened, I met my dreamed girl… and stupid of me, my fake self-confidence fooled me… thinking that I could do it (I guess that it is the power of love, think that you’re able of anything), the first time that we made out, was several hours before I should take a plane for leave for a month, so I could escape of sex saying that “it was so early”, so the next month was a kind of … nice friendship with things like “miss you a lot” , “I cannot wait to see you again” and so on often, but then when I came back to the city… we shared a bed… and my anxiety, one more time, beat me, it was so hard… she realised that I have a problem, and some week later she was willing to help me… but only as friends. This last two months has been tough for me, because I’ve been feeling like she could give me an oportunity and help me with this, but specially now… when she is meeting another guy… more handsome, funnier, … besides they try to keep it in secret of me, what’s nice… but that make me fell like a shit, like a failer, like a low level person.
I’m in pain now, trying to push away this girl of me because her affection confuse me, trying to support the moments when I feel like two persons cut a conversation about them because I’m present. She call me often, asking me what’s going on with me… she knows that I have a problem with anxiety, but she doesn’t know that that anxiety blocks me on sex always and not only that time with her. I tried to explain my problems to her, only about my anxiety but not about how that anxiety blocks me on sex all the time, because I’ve never explained my feelings to anybody… but since then I didn’t look attractive to her anymore… I could fell her “pity” look… she wants me as close friend, she is worried about me… but I get confused with that kindness. Besides, I cannot tell her “I’m pushing you away because I have a crush on you and you are hurting me” because I cannot stand the “pity looks”, people looking to you and thinking “poor guy” , and when the people greet you with a “hi, how are you feeling”…. so I’ve decided that I prefer if shee looks to me with hatred, rather than pity…
I have no physical problems, I’ve checked it out with my doctor and some tests and blood tests… all the problem is in my mind. Actually I can play with myself and it works just fine…
I’m visiting a psychologist the last two months, once time per week, but sometimes I fell that we are going to no where, and he is more lost than me xD He says that sex is an instinctive feeling and I’m blocking it. I’m gonna start a meditation course soon, it seems like the key in all this mess. Besides, although I go to the gym 3-4 times per week, probably I’ll start to do Aikido, because that philosophy about “dont hurt” and “discipline body and mind” suits really good for me and my troubles.
Big post already, I’ll try to explain more about myself in next weeks… tomorrow I have to visit my psychologist and I’ll tell here how it was…
My dear friend, I know exactly how you feel. I’m 33 y.o. and the healthiest man on earth but my sexual performance anxiety has tormented me for almost all my adult life. I am perfectly able to have a strong erection but I sometimes lose it just before penetration (coital anxiety). I never avoided sex but I avoided penetration. There are, however, effective solutions and if I could beat this curse, so can you.
First of all, try to learn as much as you possibly can about this. Do your research, search the Internet, read lots of books. Knowledge is indeed power: the more you know about this problem, the less frightening it will seem to you. In fact, there’s a perfectly logical reason for sexual performance anxiety. When you get anxious or nervous, the release of stress hormones constricts peripheral circulation so that blood that can reach your vital organs (heart, lungs). The penis is not a vital organ and the last thing you need when you’re facing danger (e.g. escaping a lion) is an erection!
Anxiety seems to be only part of the problem, though. There are very few studies done on this, but it is well known that depression and other mood disorders can also have drastic effects on your sex life. Erections start in the brain and if the brain isn’t working properly, problems will arise. To make matters even worse, most antidepressants can cause or worsen ED.
The second thing you should do is consult a doctor (urologist). It’s no shame to seek professional help: ED is an extremely common medical problem and even if it is ‘just in the head’ your doctor can prescribe you an effective treatment.
In my case, my doctor prescribed me a PDE-5 inhibitor called CIALIS. I take CIALIS on demand (three hours before sex), it is very effective but it’s not an anxiety drug and it doesn’t improve libido. My regimen also includes: VIGAMED (oral phentolamine), a new ED drug that blocks the negative effects of stress hormones via the sympathetic nervous system and improves blood flow to the penis; SEREDYN, a natural supplement for the treatment of anxiety that increases dopamine levels; and PRELOX (pycnogenol, L-arginine aspartate), a natural supplement for the treatment of ED that is clinically proven to work.
I know this is a lot of stuff but it works. My sex life has improved tremendously over the last year. I’m not advising you to do exactly the same, though. There could be some serious side effects (e.g. sudden drop of blood pressure), so talk to your doctor first and see what works best for you.
I hope this helps. Keep me posted on your progress and don’t forget to share your findings with other Internet users: http://www.edguider.com/forum
Good luck!
Thanks a lot for your kind words, I went to the urologist and he told me that I have no physical problem, he took a blood test and I’ll now results in two weeks for be 100% sure that is nothing to do with my body. I have tried Cialis and doesn’t work with me, the urologist told me that is normal, if my mind is blocking me… the body cannot response
Have you tried a psychologist?
I’ll bring all that names to my doctor next time, hoping that I can find them in this country, or at least… a similar ones.
Thanks a lot!! I’ll check that forum out too