… have you… anytime … heard a song and the lyrics were so faithful to your feelings that you thought … “when did I write this song?” LOL
01
Nov
09
Giving Up
I’ve found this while I was Googling… It sounds like an internet scam to me lol… but after a little search in Google again… humm… it’s to early to say that I’ll try it… but I’ve sent a lot of emails to different … “specialists” in the city, so let’s see what happens… I don’t wanna close any door… neither let any path without be explored. The problem nowadays is that no matter to which asshole you ask for help… they’ll always say they can help you! … and never for free … and never even cheap… I feel like a desesperated poor guy willing to give money to whoever witch doctor that promises help him… aaaammmmmmm… so pathetic…
Geez … this is so fucking funny hahaha… what will be next? join a sect? join the Mormons? time will tell… LOL. Do you imagine that hypnosis helps me?
And when I said “I’m about”… it means that I probably have to wait for 12 months LOL. The roots of my problems come from the social anxiety, it’s never diagnosed to me, because I’ve developed the way of to be self-confident in some situations, like hang out with other people on parties or meetings… but hiding the inability of to have an intimate relation, that is exposed when I’m about a sexual intercourse. I’ve felt lonely all my life, it’s like watch the life through a glass… you can see… but you can not get involved in it, that’s social anxiety, feel yourself lonely even when you are surrounded by people, and run away without move your foots. It’s lie if you try to get into a crowd that moves too fast… you can keep yourself there for a while but as you’re not strong enough … you’re repelled again to your place behind the glass.
I’ve never felt what real friendship feels like, even knowing that I have friends whom would take care of me if I needed. It’s seems always like “artificial”, like something that is “pretending to be”, but it’s actually not real, even when it is. I always see my goals very high … and emptyness behind me… so I’m always afraid of not be strong enough to keep going and to fall in that dark emptyness.
I’ve been making some research about this, because as I said, it’s never diagnosed to me, in fact because nobody has done the right questions to me…; so I have to look for answers by my own… and after to the test about social anxiety for applying to the group… I have realized that yes, it’s my problem or very close to my problem. Actually I’ve also joint recently a web forum about all of this, and after read a lot about other people’s problems… I feel the pain of lot of them.
Well, I’d like to fix my problem before one year haha … so although I’m gonna leave the door open … I’ll still try to look another center, group or psychologist that may help me. Specially when I’m feeling so bad lately, I want even more finish with this.
She didn’t call me for her birthday party… I don’t know how should I feel about it… I guess, it’s normal, because I’ve been away of the social network that we share for almost three weeks, and she announced it in there… but in the other hand it was supposed that we were close friends, so… if I’m gonna do my birthday party and I feel that somebody is away for some reason, … to send an email is free and quick 
But, since she is with the other jerk… it seems like it’s too much effort to send an email or give a call…
Actually I didn’t want to go because this girl is hurting me, but also this means it’s all over… there’s no return after this… she won’t forgive me … I won’t forgive her, we’ll pretend that we’re still friends … or at least … no enemies and that’s all, this is tough. I’ll see her on Saturday, or maybe tomorrow with the rest of the people… so let’s see what happens.
I have to move on, because as I said this girl hurts me… but it’s tough … she is the most similar to a “significant one” that I’ve had in the last 5 years or even more… so it’s no easy, I feel so lonely now… I feel so depressed now, but I think is the right thing, I have to let her go… I’m not ready now for to face these kinds of problems, I have a fight that needs to be won.
Geez, I cannot even say “life is difficult” because my life is fucking good in comparison with other people lifes… so let’s be happy for the things that I have.
29
Oct
09
Let’s try Vigamed
One fellow with similar problems than me, drop a comment in this blog some days ago, and I’ve had the opportunity of have a little message exchange with him through a website we have in common. I’ve tried Cialis, a PDE-5 inhibitor, but in my case is useless because my anxiety blocks the desire and the excitement. His advices have been very good, and he discovered me this medicaments named Vigamed, so I’m gonna give it a try and see what happens. Maybe all my problems are in my head, but if I never feel like if “sex” is something that I’m able to do… the anxiety is gonna be always present in my mind at that moment.
Vigamed (phentolamine mesylate) can help to alleviate sexual dysfunction symptoms such as impotence, and ejaculatory failures. Phentolamine as an alternative to Viagra, Cialis, Levitra and Uprima has met with success with many men suffering from ED. Phentolamine works by directly or indirectly addressing the blood flow to the genitalia via several different biologic pathways. Two physiological systems, the sympathetic and the parasympathetic, play a role in sexual response. Phentolamine controls the erection process through the body’s sympathetic system allowing blood to flow into the penis to form an erection.
Vigamed vs Viagra: The ability to control erectile performance via the body’s sympathetic system can speed up the erection process. Alpha adrenergic blockers, such as Vasomax (phentolamine mesylate), can produce an effect in as little as 15 to 20 minutes. Viagra works to inhibit the enzyme phosphodiesterase, this process generally takes one hour or more.
I’ve seen some websites where the people says that it works.
I’ve bought it in an online pharmacy, it should be here in 7 days or something like that. Once I have it in my hands, I’ll trace a plan for test it … and of course I’ll explain here the result 
I’ve found this article that explains very good what the sexual performance anxiety is, actually the first paragraph defines perfectly what happened to me some months ago:
You’ve been dating her for a while now and tonight may be that special night when you finally get to do your sexual dance between the sheets. You want to make it special, and you want her to feel the ultimate in satisfaction. Suddenly, all these paranoid thoughts come to mind. What if she thinks I’m too small? What if I don’t last long enough? What if she doesn’t orgasm? Then before you know it, things go completely awry. It’s the first time you’re going to be with her and yet your mini-me, who so affectionately participates fully when your hand comes to visit, simply won’t participate when the little Miss is present. You can’t believe this is happening. You feel flustered, confused and inadequate.
I may add that… I lost the girl and she made out with the biggest jerk ever (actually is not so bad, it’s just that piss me off they are together) … lol Although sexual performance anxiety in my case was not a puntual thing, it happened to me in “my first time” and since then… it has been happening again and again… sometimes a little … but the most of the times completely…
Unfortunately the solutions that the article suggest are not ver convincing to me… I’d prefer a oneshoot pill … or a spell …. eat a magic root… etc… 
Another article suggest 5 ways to eliminate sexual performance anxiety … but it doesn’t have spells neither…. Find the right woman? If any right woman is reading this, send me your CV! lol
Sometimes I think that I’d like to vanish myself from the memories of all the people who know me, so then I’d be glad of commit suicide. So… I think that knowing that other people love me and is worried about me… keep me going, because I don’t have the courage to cause pain to the people who I love.
But really, considering that I’m a strong atheist … sometimes the life doesn’t make any sense to me, I don’t understand why do I have to stay here suffering and feeling different, lonely and unconnected to the rest of the world. Why may I have to? What’s the point?
But then… I think, ok … instead to commit suicide, I could just center in the things that I’d like to do… anyway… I’ll always have time to kill myself other day… But, what are the things that I like to do? I’d like to run away… visit other countries or buy a big TV and a Play Station and play all day long as when I was 14yo …. but I cannot, I have to go to work, I have to go out on weekends and meet normal people, having normal relationships, normal lifes and normal concerns… I don’t have Play Station, I don’t have even an own TV!! I don’t have even the time for play! The worst of that is that I have the money! So, what’s the point of to keep going? I work because I have to, I suffer because I have no another option, why cannot I simply … resign? what’s the point of all of this?
What is funny in my life? what do I enjoy the most? Lately … nothing. I was enjoying till some months ago the fact of have a lot of friends again, go out every weekend, get drunk with them, visit places, feel like a girl that I like, likes me too… but in the moment that love and after rejection cross in my way… now I don’t want to go out with them, I don’t want to see them, but I don’t want neither that people say “look, Mr.Anonymous doesn’t go out because is in pain because she is with this guy, poor man … I feel pity…” … so I have to go out … and besides pretend that all is doing fine…. meeehhh… what a shit!! why is all so complex for me? I know, I know, there are people out there that have more and more complicated problems than me… but should that comfort me? Why do I have to bear this life? And I’ll head shoot anybody that says “god have a plan for you” ( LOL )
Well, I think that the only reason that I have right now to keep going is… the “will” of be happy at some point in my life, and I hope to have it for long… Let’s fight a little bit longer and see…
As I announced, I’ve had my first meditation class, transcendental meditation I think is called. Well … I thought that it’ll be a big deal, trying to keep my thoughts out … getting the nirvana… levitation… spiritual energy explosion… lol specially after years of seeing buddhist people on TV, famous people practicing it and all that stuff tha makes you believe that they’re talking with god … or with the nature or something… but was much simpler that all of that! The teacher told me, that a lot of people with anxiety resort to the meditation for help themselves out, and that herself started with meditation because the same problem… 40 years ago! “I can feel your pain” she said… well… that sounded like cheap marketing to me … but was nice anyway :P
It consists in repeat a word in your mind over and over again, that word is called “mantra“, don’t pushing your other thoughts away. If you are concentrated in repeat your mantra, and other thought come up in your mind… no worries, let it be, but don’t stop of repeat your mantra, that thought will fade out at some point. Mantra mantra mantra, that’s the key. At some point when the time pass by and you get more confident about this… you won’t have any other thoughts in your mind, so you will get a completely relaxed status. I thought, that “meditation” was in fact “think in a relaxed way about the things”, but no, actually is “no think at all” … or at least try it. Apparently this status of “no thinking” helps to have the inner peace to cope with problems in a different way, or that’s what I understood , it helps also to keep annoying thoughts out.
How is meditation going to help me with my anxiety? It seems like it will help me to chill me out, to maintain my mind clear, stay away of stress, sleep better, … etc… How is it going to help me with my sexual problem? In the same way since anxiety is the underlying problem of the sexual performance anxiety. I don’t remember exactly what the teacher told me about all this stuff, but she sounded convincing, so… making points:
- A “mantra” is a word with no meaning. For example, if you repeat the word “car” over and over again in your mind, at some point you’ll end thinking about cars, about your friend’s car, about that car you see in a magazine… etc.. A “mantra” is a word that doesn’t matter how many times you repeat it, it doesn’t bring any thought to your mind.
- Meditate for 20 min, no more… no less..
- Don’t get slept (easy to say), if you got slept you should choose another time for meditation.
- Don’t try to push other thoughts away, let it be, but don’t stop of repeat your mantra.
- Don’t mess the breathing with the pronunciation of the mantra, you should almost even forget that you’re breathing, only keep focus on the mantra, doesn’t matter anything else.
- If you put an alarm for be sure that you do 20min, try that the sound doesn’t freak you out, put the clock/phone in other room or under a pillow.
Tomorrow I have another class, I have to meditate 20 min now before go to sleep, and 20min tomorrow before go to work, and tell her how it was…
Today I’ll start with meditation, trying to find the peace with myself:
The purpose of meditation is to make our mind calm and peaceful. If our mind is peaceful, we will be free from worries and mental discomfort, and so we will experience true happiness; but if our mind is not peaceful, we will find it very difficult to be happy, even if we are living in the very best conditions. If we train in meditation, our mind will gradually become more and more peaceful, and we will experience a purer and purer form of happiness. Eventually, we will be able to stay happy all the time, even in the most difficult circumstances.
Usually we find it difficult to control our mind. It seems as if our mind is like a balloon in the wind – blown here and there by external circumstances. If things go well, our mind is happy, but if they go badly, it immediately becomes unhappy. For example, if we get what we want, such as a new possession or a new partner, we become excited and cling to them tightly. However, since we cannot have everything we want, and since we will inevitably be separated from the friends and possessions we currently enjoy, this mental stickiness, or attachment, serves only to cause us pain. On the other hand, if we do not get what we want, or if we lose something that we like, we become despondent or irritated. For example, if we are forced to work with a colleague whom we dislike, we will probably become irritated and feel aggrieved, with the result that we will be unable to work with him or her efficiently and our time at work will become stressful and unrewarding.
http://www.how-to-meditate.org/why-learn-to-meditate.htm/
It sounds pretty interesting to me, although I have to confess that I’m a little bit skeptic about it, it seems to me like a placebo or something like that, something that you have to believe that is helping you…. I’m a strong atheist, so I don’t use to believe that magical/celestial/stellar forces are gonna help me out, or that I’ll be able to fix my fucked mind myself… anyway, I’m gonna give it a try, I have faith (unbelievable!)… because as I said before, I’m gonna fix this mess whatever it costs! I’ll join the Mormons if necessary!!! (kidding, of course ) Maybe I’m still a little bit messed up… but I’ll try to keep my mind clear and do the most with the course
Today it’s gonna be a private short term tuition, mantra mediation I think, for 2 hours today, and 1,5h 5 days more. Besides I’ll join in a parallel way another course next week, but long term, with more people (nice way to meet new people I think). This course is gonna be expensive, because is a private tuition, so bye bye great Xmas holidays, they will have to be a cheap ones. I need a private one because my english vocabulary about this topic is … very limited, besides I’m stubborn, nervous, absent minded… etc… it will be better like this
It sounds strange, doesn’t it? As I said in my last post, I’m unable of crying … actually, I cannot remember when was the last time that I felt tears to fall from my eyes… what is the meaning of this? and how is it related with my problem with sex? I’ve been talking about this with my psychologist today, so here we go…
I’ve had reasons for cry in the last years, I swear it, problem with my job, my career, my way of life, the disapproval of my closest friends, the loneliness, the failed sexual intercourse… yeah, sometimes I wanted to die … or vanish myself from the collective memory as I never existed, but when I’m about to cry… something inside of me stops me, I can feel how my lips shake and that feeling like if your neck shrinks… but then … when it’s supposed to happen… it doesn’t happen, even when I want it happens from the deep of my heart, something in my mind prevents me of express that feeling in a physical way. Like sex, even when I really want to have sex something in my mind prevents me to have it, because my mind blocks excitement and replace it with fears and pressure.
So, why I cannot cry? apparently, I’ve been all my life struggling to be acknowledged by the people who look down to me, so that means… almost all the people and even my father. Why those people looks down to me? Well, it’s a loooong history, let’s say by the moment, that till I was 21yo… I was not of the responsible student type, I was more of the kind that skip classes, smoke joints, take drugs on weekends and drive reckless; but one day, nobody even me knows what happened, I changed… and I wanted to become “somebody” so I started to struggle so hard, studying after work, moving from different cities to get a position that allow me improve in my career … etc.. etc.. but as nobody trusted on me… I had to become strong on my own, and “strong” means “non weak”, and crying for me was a kind of weakness. But… why I cannot even cry when I’m alone? Simply, because I’ve been competing with my hardest competitor, the person that I want to become. Competing with yourself is hard, because you’re competing with te one that you want to be in a short/medium term… so he is close enough for not give up because you think that you can catch him… and far enough for never catch him. Well, I can say that I’ve become somebody (not all was wrong!), I’m manager in a foreign company, so it seems like I won the race… or at least I got qualified but now I’m paying the extremely high psychological effort, anxiety has become more and more strong on me, because it was my fuel for not give up. Curious, isn’t it? Now the same thing that has helped me to do a crazy race and win… is preventing me of have a happy life. Have I the right of get ride of anxiety now? Would I be happier if I was an bricklayer or a carpenter instead a manager in a foreign country? … how knows…
Maybe, a first step would be force my self to cry, but I’m afraid of unleash an anxiety attack, or even a panic attack, because I should focus in negative thoughts and sadness to force myself to cry, and belive me… I have LOTS of them xD. But… I guess that I have diazepam within reach… nothing could go wrong, so maybe later I’ll do a little experiment.
I’m not in the mood for go to the gym lately, tomorrow will be another day, I’ll check the streaming movies Besides I have to call a meditation teacher because may be I’ll start this weekend with a two days course
